It was an unexpected message from a high school student at our Youth Center. Normally, from him I get questions about what time events start, or how much things cost. But last week, I received this message:
“How do I get her to see how much she is worth?”
And it about broke my heart.
He and I messaged back and forth about it a little bit, and I told him I’d organize my thoughts and send them later, and here is what I sent him:
“I am so thankful for your question. Honestly, there are not enough guys in the world asking THIS sort of thing, and it makes me really proud that this is how you are thinking.
There are a couple of parts to this question, that I want to address:
- Why She Doesn’t See Her Worth
- How You Can Help
- How You Can’t Help
So first, why she doesn’t see her worth-your whole life you are going to meet women (and men!) who struggle with seeing themselves positively. For some people, it was a traumatic event in their childhood that made them feel worthless, others it’s just their personality-but for whatever reason they think very lowly of themselves. Usually they have thought this way for so long, that they can’t seem to STOP thinking this way. It’s like they’ve trained themselves to believe these lies about themselves, and they don’t know how to not think that way anymore. So though you look at her and can see beauty, and talent, and potential, when she looks at herself, she cannot see any of those things!
You CAN help in many ways. You can speak truth to her about her worth and value. You can tell her that the lies she tells herself are not true. You can challenge her thinking, and ask her to point out positive things about herself, and to not beat herself up so much. You can pray for her. If she is a Christian, you can tell her truth from the Bible about how God made her ON purpose FOR a purpose, and how he loves her! You can tell her that God says that she is “wonderfully made” and pray that she starts seeing herself the way that God sees her!
But also—this is not up to you. You CAN’T change her on your own. You can’t ever compliment her enough to make her change. You can’t ever convince her. SHE has to decide to see her worth on her own. It’s not your fault if she can’t see her worth-you didn’t fail as a boyfriend. It is something going on deep inside of her, maybe something ONLY God can fix. Maybe this is something that will push her towards God!
So in conclusion, there are lots of reasons why she may not see her worth, and in some ways you CAN help-but in some ways you can’t. The best way is to pray and point her towards God because HE is the ONLY one who can really change someone’s heart to see how valuable they really are!”